Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
