I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
