I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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