at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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