Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
