You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
