Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
