I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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