Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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