So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
