I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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