Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
