In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
