Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
