well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
