so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
