In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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