I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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