Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
