miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
