Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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