He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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