everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
