I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
