I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
