She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Randomize
