I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
