I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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