I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
