when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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