I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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