I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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