It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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