I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
