Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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