She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
