ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
