You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
