my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
