it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
