She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
