There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
