you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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