I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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