Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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