I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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