I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
