He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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