So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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