Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Randomize
