TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
