Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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