Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It was a blind-side dick pic.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
